Giving up

Flowers and trees
  • ISO: 400
  • Shutter: 1/200 sec
  • Camera: NIKON D80

Northport, Alabama

It seems like I should write something brilliant. If this is going to be my last post, then I should say something important. I’m a freaking writer, for God’s sake. But maybe the fact that there’s nothing to say says as much as anything. I’m just so very tired. I’m given over with caring about things. I feel drained. Lifeless.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like shooting or writing. Books lie untouched on my desk. Movies lie unopened. Phone calls and emails go unanswered. Work goes undone. I can’t seem to find whatever it is I need to give anymore. I can’t seem to find where I belong in the world. I’m drained with the effort of breathing every day, of waking up and smiling and chasing work and carrying on simple conversation.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt happy. And I think maybe it’s time to just take a break from everything and try to get better, whatever better is. Is better when I wake up with a thousand story ideas and can’t wait until it’s 8 a.m. so I can start calling people? Is better when I’m painting and playing with my kitties? Is better when I’m not snapping and snarling at everyone who crosses my path? I don’t know. It’s been so long since I’ve felt well that I don’t remember who I used to be.

So that’s it then. I’ve strung a lot of words here over the years, said a lot of stuff — some I regretted, some that needed to be said. There’ve been some happy times. I’m grateful to each and every one of you who’ve stopped to say hello or ask a question or just to lurk. You all have meant the world to me.

I wish this was more eloquent. Alec did a fine job of saying goodbye the last time I left. Perhaps his lovely words will suffice again. As for me, I’m out of words. Maybe I’ll see something amazing tomorrow that I just have to shoot. Maybe I’ll find a story pouring out of me so quickly that I can’t contain it. If I do, I guess you’ll find it here.

But somehow I don’t think so. I’ve waited it out. I’ve waited and waited and waited. And you know guys, it’s just not getting better. I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve failed you all. Nothing’s working anymore. I don’t dig goodbyes all that much, so I guess I’ll just steal the WonderTwin’s words one more time: Cya.

Music: A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not by Bright Eyes (lyrics)

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